Winter in my Soul

848088f7fa06a9bef51c01d9f3753bb6Dramatic title right? Well, that’s exactly how I feel these days.

Early in the morning last Tuesday I parted the blinds that cover my living room window. My thumb and forefinger created a space just wide enough for my tired eyes to peer through.

Same scene, different February day.

The guy across the street was sitting on the cold cement again, staring into space while he chain smoked his hundredth cigarette. Beneath his feet was the remnant of one of Chicago’s biggest blizzards in history. Only now the once glistening white powder was just black, frozen sludge drizzled with the wind blown trash from down the street.

I watched him for a minute, counting his drags. One for every breathe he took; as if the nicotine, not the fresh, frigid carbon dioxide, was his very sustenance. He smoked his cigarette right down to the filter before flicking it into the sewer and lighting another.

The guy across the street and I had something trivial in common: monotony.

The sky was gray and I could feel the sub-zero temperature in my bones despite the heat that poured out of the radiator next to me.

I glanced over at the flat tire on my car, deflated from the freezing temperatures and then over to the chair where a mound of laundry needed folding.

My kids pulled me out of my “zone” with their barking orders.

“Mom! I need a drink!”

“Mom! Get me my blanket!”

“Mom! Mom! Mom!”

No please. No thank you.

God, I can’t do this today…This winter crept into my soul and I’m as gray as the Chicago sky.

My thoughts spiraled down into the familiar abyss of self-defeat that is oh so hard to climb out of.

As I strolled into the kitchen to fulfill Makaio and Mikayla’s orders for chocolate milk and juice, I began praying.

God, how should my Christianity play out in everyday life? There’s more to it than this. I know there is because I’ve experienced it before. Help me Lord!

Why should I feel so cold inside? I know it’s not the heart of my Heavenly Father.

Jennifer, joy, contentment and peace are not circumstantial unless you allow them to be. Being in Me means abundant life regardless of the weather inside or outside your soul.  Abide in me. Yield to me; for I AM JOY.

A fresh revelation of a familiar truth.

I’ve been allowing my circumstances to have their way in me.

I know God doesn’t condemn me for struggling. He knows what I’m made of. But He does want me to draw close to Him; since He is the source of life. He wants me to have joy in the valley; for this is the power of Christ in me.

When I go through difficult times, I often wonder why. But it doesn’t take long to see that trials have a unique way of purifying my vision of God and reducing my love for the world. They create this vacuous desire for surpassing peace and the presence of God where no imperfection or fault exists. Don’t you want that?

I do.

My soul rejoices when I think of heaven and God and how I have an inheritance awaiting that excludes sin and sickness and all the wretchedness that I experience and witness daily. For now, I’ll  let that promise act as a magnet drawing me near in the now.

When the world’s got me down, I know I’ve drifted from grace. I know God is bidding me to come back. To abide in Him and rest. To warm myself by His Son.

No, God isn’t calling me to deny my struggle or come to Him once I have it all together. He wants me in my tumultuousness so that He can BE my perfect peace. I can have joy in the winter if I simply


This entry was posted in Faith Builders, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Winter in my Soul

  1. Delilah DeJesus says:

    Love your posts always so insightful and open thank you


  2. Jen says:

    What if you are not being fair with yourself? Yes emotions can lie, but what if the indwelling Spirit may be telling you something through your lack of contentment?

    Perhaps God has something for you to do/take on and and consider beyond or in addition to your current life routine. Maybe you haven’t considered it or feel guilty for doing so? Definitely worth praying about.

    I will keep you in my prayers.


    • Jen says:

      Maybe there are gifts and callings you have laying dormant longing to be used and expressed….God can and will make a way.

      “Delight yourself in the LORD and He shall give you the desires of your heart!” – there may be desires we even refuse to admit to ourselves when they are actually noble and worthy to place before the LORD to fulfill! “Oh but I should be grateful for what I already have,” we say but maybe it’s time to ask the LORD for more! Yes. More blessings, more ways to be used by Him, more ways to experience joy!


      • Hi! Thanks…I’ll take your offer for prayer! Yes, I believe God has more for me. My husband and I are in a strange season. We are preparing to move from Chicago to Denver soon after four years at Moody Bible Institute. We are in that strange in between phase where you are separating yourself from current circumstances and moving on to new ones. All the changes, along with the weather and tons of sickness (my kids always catching the latest bug) got me down. But, we look for the Lord in our circumstances knowing that He is there in it and through it all! Blessings and prayers for you too, Jen!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s