Date: December 26, 2003
*The unspoken “thing” between us was intensifying. Wouter was giving me the impression that he might have a thing for me. But…he was such a flirt; always laughing and joking with girls on board and since he was speaking another language I didn’t always know what he was saying to them. It made it hard for me tell if he was getting close to others as well. Anyway, I’m here to tell about his actions toward me so here it goes… By the way: this is the last “friendly encounter” season we had for a long time. Things went down hill from here!
The contact between him and I has gotten extremely intense. Or at least intense for the ship. A few times I caught him staring at me so intensely that I had to look away. One time I even asked him what he was looking at. Last night at the Christmas service, I walked passed him and he grabbed my arm. He complimented me. I couldn’t believe it. Then I sat next to him and felt his eyes on me. Weird. At times he would get close and whisper in my ear…just a comment about the service or some trivial little thing and every time he came close I almost passed out. I felt like I was breaking the rules and yet I was liking it so much.
I don’t know why all this is happening. Why, God, have you chosen to reveal this all to me? Why have I prayed so intensely for him? Why have you answered all my prayers about him and are now showing me that he feels the same only to stir my emotions and make me wait??
God, this is so dangerous. I don’t know how in the world this happened or how to set boundaries on something that isn’t really concrete. I started out thinking I would just be praying for him without ever guessing he might show an interest in me . I did not expect this turn of events at all. There’s no logic here.
I’m running a risk of this intensifying and it becoming more tempting to be around him and yet even more tempting to begin talking about our feelings. Suddenly, my desire to know him will take over my desire to give my feelings back to God and I’ll lose heavenly perspective in order to satisfy my own flesh.
Ugh… I don’t want that.
In my heart of hearts, I want it God’s way.
I am making a decision of the will and putting everything back into His hands. If He is not the foundation than I stand on shaky ground. Teach me how to wait on You! Pry my fingers away and take hold. I will listen to you alone!
*Several days later:
Lord my thoughts about him abound! I can’t even control them. They definitely surpass my thoughts toward you/ I don’t know how to bring it under control. to balance them… I’m so glad I’ll be leaving the ship for a while…I need to get away.
*A few days later, I went on team of girls to Austria for four weeks of ministry in two different churches. Wouter had signed up to be on our prayer team and committed to praying for us while we were gone. I was excited that he would be a part of my adventure away from the Doulos and even more excited to leave for a while and get my thought life back on track.
Wouter and I left on great terms. We were friendly acquaintances. But when I came back, everything had changed.