Date: December 12, 2003
*I remember this day clearly. It was so weird. Wouter came up to me and gave me the strangest gift: a huge Greek flag. He said nothing about it. He just handed it to me and walked away. I was definitely confused. Why would he give me this gift when he is so unfriendly toward me all day everyday? Was it because he knew Greece held a close place in my heart? After all, it was where I went on my first mission trip. I never found out why. Actually, I forgot about it until now as I’m looking through my journals. To add to the weirdness of that day…the following happened:
– A friend approached me and said something about someone liking me. It was just a small little comment in passing but it was enough to get my attention particularly because she is a good friend of his. I cautiously pressed in to her for more info but she changed the topic.
Later on that night, several of us were sitting around a table chatting and he came over to join us. But when he sat down he didn’t say a word. He just seemed annoyed and shortly after, he left. I was getting so frustrated because somehow I feel like I should start a friendship with him since I’m going to be married to him one day but every time he is around I can’t find anything to say so I just end up looking ridiculous. It didn’t matter though, he left after five minutes.
My friend, the same one from earlier, turned to me and said, “I notice something weird when he is around you, but I can’t say what.” My heart started racing. I was thinking that she found out my little secret. Then she continued, “I think he likes you. He’s not himself when he is with you. He’s so quiet and strange. If it doesn’t have something to do with you, then he obviously has something very heavy on his mind.
Ugh…Lord. I guess I’ll never know for sure. At least not now anyway. But I certainly don’t want what has been said to me to become a false hope. So, Lord please just help people keep quiet about their speculations. I don’t even want to know…
I just continue to submit this to you and ask that, once again, you’ll take it away if it’s not your will. I am still such a doubter; help me believe! Help me to handle all things in a way that is honoring to you. I trust you for this!
I don’t want to solely count on the promises you’ve given me for the future but rather on the grace you’ve given me to get through this and every day and yet in this season between now and the fulfillment of your promise, teach me how to be the woman and wife you want me to be. Only you can tie all of those things together!
Later that week I wrote this:
Lord please work in the WR situation. Allow me to start becoming vulnerable, not to him, but to You in him! Help me not to protect myself against the hurt that might come with being vulnerable to a human being but to allow myself to open up to You within someone else. Because… if it is what you have promised, then I need not build walls but take them down! I am not relying on what WR may or may not do, what he may or may not say, I am relying on the fulfillment of a promise YOU have given me.
Teach me, throughout the next few months how to allow you to restore me, to heal my past.
I ask these things in the name of Him whose Spirit dwells within me.