*Location: Izmir, Turkey
*Date: Late November, 2003
* When I read this letter, I laughed at myself. I was so fragile in my struggle with this newfound affection for Wouter. Through this conversation with one of my greatest friends onboard, God began teaching me a valuable lesson…one that I would need to relearn a hundred more times before actually embracing. He was teaching me not to doubt His plan based on the actions of others or the circumstances around me. Just to walk by faith and not sight…
Tonight my friend told me that she is in love with someone. Instinctively, I knew who it was. I was right. It’s the same person. Why was I so hurt? Why did I feel so disappointed? Was I expecting that through some invisible wave, everyone else would be repelled from him because he’s going to be mine one day?
I don’t know. I guess it caused me to realize that I’ve been walking around with a false sense of joy lately; a false sense of happiness based on my emotions. And all of everything is based on a desperate hope that he is the one You have for me…
Lord, my emotions are so deceptive. If you strip me of the happiness that I myself set in place, then what do I have left? Nothing… Maybe that is why you have graciously allowed me to go through this. God you need to be my source of joy. You need to be my strength and my song. Thank you for exposing my heart to me. I hate what I see.
Being exposed is hard. And its even harder to think something so wonderful will be yours when actually, it isn’t. It’s my own fault. I have but one move to make now and that is to stop this fantasy and surrender my love life to you …yet again. I surrender my future to you.
I should have known it wouldn’t take long for this issue to surface here on the ship. There are guys everywhere and they are all Christians who love you! Of course…I choose the best one to fall in love with. The one everyone probably wants…
In spite of all this, my mind is free again and I can refocus on why I am here… to serve you. My emotions are not bound to anyone or anything. Thank you for the work you are doing in me even though it hurts.
*Funny, life moved so quickly on the ship. Some days felt like weeks…or so it seemed. Living in a small space with 200 other people and brushing shoulders with Wouter numerous times every day was not easy. I was always confronted by my feelings for him. How would I handle this for an entire year? I tried so hard to forget what my friend told me and prayed for God’s will to come to pass in all of our lives. But I do admit, I was shaken. Two or three days went by and as the ship sailed for a new port in Turkey, I sought some alone time on the upper deck. I needed to think and pray. The night sky was black and stars hung steady and bright overhead…my history with shooting stars caused me to ask for sign from my heavenly Father…I was desperate to move on with my life onboard. There was a world to explore, people to love and work to be done. I penned this after I went back to my cabin that evening.
God, you know what you showed me in your stars tonight! I asked you for it! I asked you to use it as confirmation to me and you did. I accept it by faith, Lord, as a deposit for what is to come in the future. Lord, you also know how hard this situation could get. Living here in this tiny ship watching him every day. My emotions are open and I am going to be very vulnerable; any of his actions can potentially hurt me. Knowing who I will be to him in the future and him having no clue…could be very difficult.
Lord, I wonder why you have chosen to reveal any of this to me at this point? You could have kept it a secret. You could have waited until he and I could get to know each other without violating these rules. Show me why you have revealed it to me.
What if I misinterpreted what I saw in the night? Would you really have allowed that to happen? I don’t think so… What can I do?
I need to be controlled by your spirit on this one…big time. You know my heart. It can get mixed up easily, so please, set it straight.
Continue to confirm this to me by waking me at night to pray for him. Stir my spirit in the night hours to the point where I cannot fall back to sleep. Then, Lord, draw me into prayer for him. Allow me to grow into this vision and let me not be weakened by what I see him doing.
Don’t let me go astray.