For the sake of context please read letter 1.
Location: Ephesus, Turkey
Date: Late November, 2003 (dates are estimates)
*These words were penned as a journal entry on the day I first acknowledged the affection I felt toward Wouter. Before you think I’m totally crazy, please remember the ministry focused environment of the ship combined with my personal commitment to keep my mind pure, led me to believe that my attraction to Wouter was just a distraction to keep me from serving fruitfully and wholeheartedly. I just wanted to pray it away… Notice, I never used his name! I was so afraid that someone would find my journal and know what was going on inside of me.
I think I have found the one. And I’m documenting it because, yes, I want to look back and see what a total fool I am because I’m sure I’m just being crazy. There is this one person who I can see myself with. I keep feeling this strange confirmation inside but I’m not sure if I am manipulating my own feelings or if I am vulnerable in this new world and looking for a connection with someone…either way he is beautiful and foreign and smart…a great man of faith with a huge future ahead of him. He is wise beyond his years, more wise than anyone I’ve ever met. He’s so young. I think that my giftings fit perfectly with his. Today, in our brief conversation he told me that he hopes his future wife can write because he wants to share his life in a book one day…is that a coincidence?
Anyway, I want to write a very special prayer right here in this journal regarding this situation…that way I know that I have sought God and asked Him to change my heart if I’m wrong. I know He can change me…
God, I know you see what is going on in my heart…you know that someone has caught my attention. Lord, I have a distinct impression that he is the one you have for me. I admire him. I love his gifts. I respect him. I am asking you, at this very moment, if he is not the one you have for me, please change my heart. Pull my eyes away from him.
But if he is…please confirm it to me and help me to keep my secret close to my heart. Confirm it through his actions, in the little things.
Lord, let me be his helper.
Continue to grow him in wisdom and knowledge. Bring him favor and begin preparing us for our future ministry together. Teach us how to love one another and sanctify us so that when our time comes, we will be ready.
Lord, if this is not your will, I also trust that you will show me.