I am in my 30’s. I should have it all together by now, right? Well, here I am, yet again, asking God, “What’s next Lord?” Here I am worrying if He is going to come through for us in time. I’m slipping into unbelief more rapidly than I care to admit.
I’m slipping into doubt in ways I’ve actually begged others not to…
In less than a year, My husband and I will wrap up one of the biggest faith journeys either one of us has ever been on. Just three years ago, when our son was 2 and I was pregnant with my daughter, we decided to move our growing family to Chicago. Wouter was accepted to Moody Bible Institute and he had an amazing opportunity to earn a Bachelor’s degree…for free. It was a gift from the Lord that we could not pass up. So, with a great sense of expectation and a little apprehension, we left the little stability we had and moved.
Just like that.
Oh, did I mention that just three weeks before our moving day, my pregnancy became complicated when the doctors discovered my baby had a rare heart condition during an ultra-sound? Did I mention that she needed open heart surgery right after birth? I know I didn’t mention that we were moving without health insurance or any income to a place where we knew…no one!
But God said, “Go!”
So we went.
He always blesses it…
God put everything in place… A cheap apartment in a building set apart for Christians. A carpentry job at Moody Bible Institute. Health Insurance. A stellar pediatric heart surgeon. Scholarships to pay modest school fees. Long time friends as next-door neighbors. Children for my kids to grow up with. A great church. No debt. And…best of all, I’ve been able to stay home with Makaio and Mikayla every single day.
God has been a gracious and loving father. We have not had even one need go unnoticed by Him!
Then why do I struggle with doubt? My heart breaks over my unbelief.
As I sit here and type, as I think about this season coming to an end in less than a year, I feel anxiety welling up. It’s trying to creep in and disrupt my trust in the Lord. I have to stop my thoughts and remind myself of God’s faithfulness. I have to tell myself that He is at work preparing the road ahead. Although we don’t know what’s next, He does. He wants us to be of good cheer and take refuge in Him.
Perhaps I’ve grown too comfortable in this comfortable place. Maybe routine has tamed me and made me apprehensive to change. Maybe the only way God can keep me abiding in Him is to allow me to remain in this unpredictable place where the course has yet to be determined.
I used to think that faith was something to be mastered. But now I see it is surrendering, daily, to a trustworthy God in the face of uncertainty.
To be “ok with not knowing what the future holds but to simply trust Him who holds the future.”
To live this life as one who awaits the Master’s direction in calm and patient assurance that He will give the marching orders at exactly the right time.